Absent Motivation

I’ve noticed that since I’ve gotten old, I’ve slipped into a funk. I’ve become lazy. I used to be so active. Engaged in sports – I figure skated, I played softball, I went to the gym regularly, now sports consist of washers at a BBQ and 12 oz curls; I took pride in my appearance – I never left the house without my hair fixed, makeup done and something appropriate for where I was headed - dressed to the 9’s, I went tanning (which I quit mostly because it is so bad for you and I only get red!), now I roll out of bed, leave most of the time with wet hair, minimal makeup and a hoodie (or t-shirt) and a pair of jeans and sneakers. I related #2 to number one. I have no pride in my appearance because I have allowed myself to get so lazy that I’ve put on weight. I’m not obese or anything, but those size 6’s in my closet from 4-5 years ago DEFINITELY won’t fit anytime soon. How do I get my mojo back? I know what I want, I know how to get it, but yet I find myself constantly telling myself that I’ll start tomorrow…
I have something coming up in a month (I hate keeping secrets, but I just have to right now) that it is very important for me to start running. The fact is – I HATE RUNNING. I always have, even as a child. But this is something that I do have to prepare for. I have to run. Even something that is very important to me is still not enough motivation for me to get off my lazy arse.
Some of you may or may not know – I had a bit of a weight problem 4 or 5 years ago…right when I stopped all the sports and exercising. Heck – I was in my “prime” and I wanted to P-A-R-T-Y…which I did. And in turn, all that beer went straight to my gut. I was dating a D*bag back then who pointed out everyday how much better I would look if I “dropped the lbs”. He went to the gym every day, why couldn’t I? Because I didn’t want to was not an acceptable answer for him, so I went. I lost 20 lbs and I was ecstatic…but that wasn’t good enough for D*bag…he wanted more. At that point – I was devastated, I was so proud of myself and thought that he would be too (hence his name…D*bag). But I didn’t give up; I was destined to please. I became obsessed with losing weight – I lived on turkey franks and tuna fish for 6 months. I went to the gym almost every night. I dropped another 45 lbs. and man was I happy with my results. I was a size 4! Can you believe that! I wasn’t even that my junior and senior year of high school! But guess what…that wasn’t enough. Now, I’m not that stupid…I actually did lose a little more than that, not intentionally, but I looked sick. My proportions were not right for my waist size. (Insert Picture of Heidi Montag here). So I put some back on to balance me out…a size 4 was good for me – but a six, now that was perfect!
So my motivation – some jackass telling me I’m fat and me being young and dumb doing whatever it takes to please him to the point of I’m a size 6 and your still saying I’m fat?! Well it worked, but I’m not with a D*bag now…therein lacking motivation. This time around I need to do it for myself not because someone is telling me to. But how do I motivate myself??

Day 1 - Husbandless

Last night pretty much just sucked in general. I was bored out of my freaking mind without anyone to talk to at the house. What is really funny is that Tony and I don't talk a whole lot when he is there, but I guess its just the fact that I know someone is there makes me feel better. Although, without him being there, I did have a chance to get my kitchen and dining area cleaned up since the Tornado came through a week or so ago (which seemed to only hit my house...). I didn't really feel like cleaning after working all day, but I was bored and it was something to do. So I turned on Pandora and got busy. Trash day was just yesterday and I already have one trash can filled. Tony's going to think I must be sick in the head when he gets home. I figure in my boredom, I'll tackle one thing a night over the next 2 weeks (i.e. the spare bedroom, the office, laundry, etc).

Not tonight though; tonight is my freebie night. I have darts. Which I hate to say it, we will probably lose because of Tony. He won't be there and the past couple of weeks, he's been carrying us.

What I should have done when I got home was run, but I was starving when I got home and after I ate, I had no desire to. Plus, my mom asked me not to run while Tony was gone unless I was running with someone, in case my leg fell off, or I fell in a ditch and no one could find me, or someone abducted me (although I'm sure they would probably gladly return me after about an hour later, if it would even take that long). This is when I wish I had a treadmill. When I couldn't sleep later that night and it was after midnight, I could have went to the treadmill and made myself tired. That might be my next big purchase.

Speaking of which, does anyone have any suggestions on what I should purchase to track how far I've ran and the time when I'm running outside? I live in the 19th century still because I don't have an iPhone still...maybe that should be my next purchase...since everyone keeps saying..."There's an App for that..."

Long Time No See?

Well, its been quite a while since i updated the ol' blog. They cut my ability to do so while at work out and I try with all my might to avoid the computer once I get home from work if at all possible. Lots have happened since I last wrote.

#1 - The smoking issue. Well, that went up in smoke. I don't smoke nearly as much as I used to. For instance, I only had 1 cigarette on Saturday! Not too shabby. (Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that I left my cigs at home and was feeling a bit under the weather....)

#2 - Tony got a job! finally....
There is some traveling involved with this new job though. He left for Garland,TX this morning for two weeks . But as I arrived at his boss's house this morning so he could pick up the trailer, I was assured that he would be home for Easter. He is going to fly him back for the holiday, and then he will have to leave again Monday. I don't mind the traveling as much as he does though. Not that it won't be lonely for a couple of days, but I'm independent and self-sufficient. Maybe I'll actually get some stuff done around the house I've been wanting to do. With no one home to talk too, I'm sure I'll get pretty bored.

#3 - I've returned to the gym. I need to shed some of this weight, SOON! Its getting closer to summer, and the fact that I'm in a wedding in November, I don't want to look like the cow I am now. I also need to be able to run 1.5 miles in under 15 minutes by the middle of May. Tony said I won't be able to do it. The bet is on. I honestly don't know if I will be able to or not. Honestly, I HATE running. I don't like the way I feel, I don't like the pain, and I just really HATE everything about it. But I've heard that it is the quickest way for me to be able to shed these pounds I'm trying to lose. And the fact that someone told me I couldn't do it...watch me.

Thats really the only significant things that have happened since I last posted. Tony's job was the best news I had to post.

Up in Smoke?

2 weeks ago, I posted about how I was on day 4 without a cigarette...one of the hardest things I've ever done...

My question to people that read my posts...How do you think I did?

1) Doing great! Day 18, still no cigarette!

2) I caved, fell off the wagon, threw in the towel. Who am I kidding, I enjoy smoking!

3) Struggling a bit, but I've managed to only smoke when I'm drinking.

So, what do you think? Be honest!

Get Real

Ok, this may sound like the stupidest blog post you might ever read and you might feel a tad bit stupider just from reading it...

I took my acrylic nails off. First time in over 14 years! I didn't think that I even had fingernails under them anymore its been so long since I've seen them. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!! I can't type, I can't pick things up, its kind of like taking away your opposable thumbs! I know this must sound ridiculous to most of the people that read my blog posts, but to me something just isn't right. Out of balance or something. I don't know if I can't get used to this. I do have to say however, that after having fake nails for so long, my real nails are really not in that bad of shape, which must mean that I go to a very good nail salon and they are not damaging my nail beds!

This is the sad part...I am horrible at painting my own nails. I've never done this before...I've painted my toes, sure, but never my own finger nails. My mom always did it for me growing up, then I've had fakes after that. I've always paid to get my nails done. And obviously, I'm going to have to continue to pay because when I do it, they look like crap. Not to mention that I got nail polish on my couch (which I got out immediately of course).

On another note, I'm on day 4 without a cigarette. Doing good so far...but we will see what the weekend brings. I haven't posted anything about it yet because after my failed attempt last year, I didn't want to be a loser twice. I'm sure I will be, but at least this time, I'm not really having to many cravings. Hmmm....maybe its because Tony is trying to quit with me. Although he's still smoking, he's only been doing about 3-4 a day which is good for him.

Tomorrow's Itinerary

Itinerary? Really? Yeah right...

Anyway, we are planning on meeting at Muddy Waters on Main St. in St. Charles around 7:30-8 PM if anyone is interested in going. Should be a pretty good time.

Did I forget to mention?

Did I forget to mention that Friday (the night we are going to celebrate my birthday) would have also been Grandma's 96th birthday. (Tear) so for you girls that I called out or shamed, it was more of a sympathy call out, to help keep me focused on having fun and not so emotional. We will party it up for not just me, but grandma too! Oh and for Teresa, cause that's her birthday too! Not that she reads my blog,but incase she does, I'm not trying to take all the credit for her day too! Even though, I'm knd of a big deal...lol